god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
