just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
