atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
