In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
