stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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