I think I won the penis lottery.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
