We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
