she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
