Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
