Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize