well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
