I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
