I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
