wakey wakey hands off snakey
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
