I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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