Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
