Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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