so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
