WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
