Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just invented taco cereal.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
