I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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