i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she smelled like a LAN party
sarcasm needs its own font
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
