The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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