There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
