the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
