Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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