My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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