The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
