I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
