you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
