If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
