burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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