One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
