a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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