Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I need to stop coming to work sober
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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