I got chris browned last night
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
