woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
