Your face is a jimmy john
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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