Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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