Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
