There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
