guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
