so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
