I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
