he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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