goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im six kinds of drunk right now
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
