he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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