You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
