On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
