i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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