I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize