franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
