Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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