The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
