did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
