with your own penis?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
