if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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