the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
