OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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