a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize