I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
