Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
