Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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