Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Randomize
